Dear 2019, Please be kind.

I’ve been writing for about a month; free from work responsibilities (what I call freedom) for just over two months and now the old year is coming to a close, new year looming—everyone is talking about it. It offers everyone a space for reflection and renewal. How will I show up? How will I rise to the the shine of sun on January 1st? Will I retreat and close the shades or let the sun inspire new opportunities and possibilities? I’ve imagined for two months the transformation to come. It’s out there. Not just the new year. I have imagined the next part of life and bear witness to the messages of these two months. I believe in these messages and have been aware of the power in listening for many years. My imagining is in that truly listening without the noise and chaos would bring me lessons that have been brewing from the big 5-0 birthday and probably before that. (I’ve always been an early adopter.)

Some of the questioning I am doing now involve this persistent low level dissatisfaction with parts of my life (daily grind) and actions. That word, dissatisfaction, is not the right one. I am fortunate to have all the biggies women my age begin to long for if missing. I have the love and support of a true life partner. Appreciate wonderful smart and compassionate children and their wonderful smart and compassionate partners–even grandchildren that are delightful. I have health and a sense of true well-being. I have gratitude and peace, meaningful work, and all the comforts and resources for a simple life. What more could I possibly want and what kind of guilt and shame would accompany a request for more? (Well, there it is: fear.)

This is hardly a small tribe, the one in which I belong with this dissatisfaction. It is vast with women of a certain age that wonder if they too can truly have it all. What am I missing? It is partly that, but partly relates to passing a point in time where the end is nearer than the beginning and wishing to overcome the fears that proved obstacles to that young self. We see our parents suffering and failing with age and wonder what the next years will bring for our own health. It is time to live! I want to be inspired! Could it be, and I hate to wonder, I’m asking: Have I done enough? Okay, I might not be as evolved as I described. I still, at times, succumb to that overpowering force of fear. Overall, I contend dissatisfaction is not the right word. Perhaps a feeling is a better description. It’s the feeling of good vision yet a persistent irritation that can’t be dislodged. Perhaps it is the good vision I should focus. That, and helping other women like me know their true power in BEING ENOUGH.

My small circle consists almost entirely of teachers and other educators. A meek and wonderful group. I know their challenges well. Many factors contribute. Teaching is emotional work and is inherently stressful work. Frustration, disempowerment, and lack of value leads to attrition and burnout with other far reaching and long-lasting negative outcomes to the entire community. Ironically, much attention of these hard working teachers is given to students’ social and emotional development. We talk about resilience, but that doesn’t cover the complex work of dealing with emotion, that of ourselves and of our students. The movement of transforming our schools in this social-emotional way is on the horizon. In this context, resiliency is difficult to achieve individually. Who we are (teachers) and where we teach (schools) impact our ability to cultivate resilience. There is a long and colorful history to the role of teaching. This complex system of schools must contribute to the capacity for teachers to become resilient. Simply, I am interested in the factors that contribute to a teacher’s decision to leave and those that contribute to a teacher’s decision to stay. There is much there to explore and much written in this area of teacher attrition. I am not a researcher and do not have any answers but I hope to weave these ideas into the context of living, growing older, parenting and care-taking, and being… enough. What I call Showing Up, no matter your age.

I wanted to call the blog: I Can Do That. When I was feeling the most frustration of the work in schools, I would wander through life saying, “I can do that” as an answer to leaving the work of public education. Try it—you’ll be amazed at what people are doing. As a supporting coach to teachers in all their states of joy and frustration I would hear questions like, “What can I do?” I soon realized that teachers can do anything. The role of teaching does cross all areas of living in spite of the attitudes of some that say otherwise. Teachers really do make a difference! Can I take that attitude and make a difference in my life and those that need support the most? I can do that!

Many other coaches are trying to do that same thing. The field is crowded with others like me that believe there is a better way to live fully. I’m not trying to stand out in any way. I have not hit rock bottom nor do I have any direct experience in circling the drain and finding redemption. If you like what I say and want to come along with me, I’m Showing Up. And you can too. Perhaps in the end you and I can offer some answers to questions of those that follow us. Regardless, I feel compelled to show up here and in the new year. I am excited to use this space to explore how showing up can overcome many frustrations and challenges. I expect the new year will be kind!