On Becoming a Writer
Earlier (and often), I wrote about dissatisfaction and frustration with self, actions, and fear. It goes against the I’m-enough mantra. It’s part of why I started a blog. This time of year, it weighs heavy on my (and others’) mind due to all the talk about 2018 accomplishments and 2019 goals. Today I saw a post that was entirely related to positive reflections with and about the past. Being the ever-optimist, this post spoke to me much more than the others. As I re-read last month’s writing, even in my desire to make a change for the better in my life, I noticed those pieces were negative. Like something is wrong. Nothing is wrong with my life in any way. My choice is to be more creative, live with an open heart, and support others in doing the same. Not necessarily living a better self, but living my true self. From this point I will commit to move toward something good. You can hold me to that. It is much more motivating than always thinking that something must be changed. Our lives are an ongoing process of tuning in to what is already present within us. That is my New Year’s goal and my intention is to tap this goodness and creativity—that which is already present. The dissatisfaction comes from knowing it’s there and asking why I am not using it. (Ah, there it is again!)
What is the greatest potential for my creativity right now? Writing. Even though I have felted small animals as gifts and am starting a watercolor class today, writing is what I most want to 1.) learn about, 2.) grow from, and 3.) use to my best advantage. The advantage might be in healing old wounds, helping others discover their creativity, or learning and growing in being fearless. All worthwhile endeavors. So much of what I am learning comes to me through stories. This idea of writing has been growing in the back of my mind for some time. I may have always thought of myself as a writer. I can do that! I have taught young people to write for years—and was very good at teaching writing. It was probably one of my favorite things to teach—even before I found math. Much more doable than the complex process of teaching children to read.
The recent changes in circumstances with my mother and other life events makes me want to write things down. Even in the month that I have been writing (almost) every day, I notice patterns in my thinking; some really great things, but some surprising things as well. Some things I’m noticing are just not true. Some are actual lies and may be holding me back. Where do these narratives come from? I’ve heard coaches and writers say, that to get over fear, notice what comes up. Notice that voice. What is this fear all about and where does it show up in your body? I do this noticing very well, by the way. Probably to my detriment . As a school coach I have asked that question often with teachers. What comes up? I have learned that it takes a lot of practice to separate the seeing from the see’er. But, the advice I’ve heard recently, is to take that noticing one step farther and write it down. Write it down like this: My mind says…, but I say…. In this way we continue to practice disconnecting the random thoughts and monkey mind from what is true and honest. If your mind says, “I suck at this,” what do you say? And then calmly prove one side right. Find the truth.
The success criteria should include how this noticing makes you feel. Say what you want to believe about yourself (not judging) and then believe it. You alone decide whether to go down that rabbit hole of doubt. After deciding to do this scary thing despite the fear and self-doubt, I will find it’s unlikely that I suck. (How is that for optimism!?) And, I expect to improve along the way and learn how to be a great writer. Put that proof in your toolkit and get it done! Being creative requires this kind of niggling.
You don’t put yourself in what you write. You find yourself there.
Bennet, Alan. “The Lady In The Van.” 2015
Here’s the important part, giving up on wrestling the doubt may leave the true energy to create. Your internal dialogue must come with self-compassion and grace. Write about that! Remain in the seat of influence and say, without reaction, “Hmm. I am wondering why my mind says that about my writing.” It could be a million reasons, but many of them will most likely be lies. You’ll know once you write them down. Wrangling these thoughts is what I do.
Much of my writing from the past would be considered journaling. That is how I know I can write. If you journal you too will discover someone new. Or, if you have ever read journals of the past, someone old–maybe the old you. Did you know that Queen Victoria wrote her thoughts down every day of her life!? There are 147 volumes of her hand-written thoughts out there somewhere, in museums, I suppose. You could probably read them on line. It’s fascinating to imagine. Her own real thoughts… probably irreverent and ennoble, even though her mother read them all. I wonder if she was self-critical and loathsomely full of fear. I think she was.
So, what creativity within you could be released in the new year? I could say to myself, “Lisa, you probably won’t come away from that watercolor class with a masterpiece.” But hey, what evidence do I have of that bullshit. I just may!
What fears will you overcome in the New Year?
