A Best Self… of Some Sort
I often say, to myself of course, but now to you, that I am trying to be my “Best Self.” That is my true and worthy goal, and a desire that is a blessing and a curse. I, like many my age, are trying to reach some level of better that probably borders on perfection—probably impossible to attain (probably). Best Self? What is that anyway? I am a true believer that perfectionism is a form of fear. I try to avoid it. All of these terms, I believe, are more likely related to empowerment. The void between self-loathing and empowerment is vast–I’d need a ship to make passage. I think I’ll explore that connection at a later time. Let’s move on. I love the self-help genre and realize there is a Best Self (BS) for every situation. Ultimately this attainment creates a kind of compulsion for people of a certain maturity, who feel there is only so much time. It’s the women of 50-something’s ticking clock. Let me describe those trap doors of self-improvement, what I love about it, and what I hate.
With my recent freedom, I have been pursuing arts. Of course I want to improve. Late November and December in Madison witnessed a plethora of shows, fairs, and craft extravaganza. There are some very talented people in this community and many are producing the most amazing out-of-the box art, which they hawked at these shows and fairs. How did they land on that medium, design, direction? I thought, if a person desiring attainment is to achieve craftsmanship and precision, what area should that person pursue first? Is dabbling a form of ADD? I found myself wanting to ask, “Did you just start blowing glass because you had a hot oven?” Or “That knack for carving gourds, did you know right in the garden?” In these months I have painted with watercolor, felted small woodland animals, knitted, drawn, and stitched. How does one have time to become proficient, better, best? BS is the same conundrum! How can one really pursue Best Self with so many avenues? I have read, journaled, meditated, boarded my vision, forgiven, stretched, and cleared my house, not to mention all that creative artistic attempts. I sparked joy in folding all my clothes in rectangles–it changed my life. Shouldn’t I be approaching my best (better) self soon?
Destination-thinking: expecting a linear and predictable outcome to actions and making that the place-to-be/place-to-get-to. I suffer from this thinking, I fear. Gee, I wonder, am I part of a system working under the myth that human development is linear and that constant improvement is a reasonable business model!? Obviously, I get a lot out of learning and educating myself on how to “improve.” Teachers often approach learning like this and create an appropriate curriculum. We are all curriculum planners. I like a syllabus. I also like podcasts, Tedtalks, and workout videos. So much content and so little time! Where does one go, what does one consume first? There is a fear; a fear of missing something that may change my life for the better. Ticktock. With all these self-improvement options, I fear I can’t see the forest for the trees. Where am I really going? Perhaps the journey is more important.
More than one friend has asked me, “Have you considered that this time might be important for you to just BE…?” I began to wonder what it would look like to just BE. Be at peace with what is present now. Take this time to do nothing. Might this be the snow day of my working life? If I were to approach BEING with the same zeal as I approach my lists, would I find myself organizing my sock drawer to avoid it? My history dictates that I just might. Although I could probably justify organizing my sock drawer as BEING if I were to adjust my mindset while doing it. Thich Nhat Hanh describes washing dishes or making tea while BEING—just be present in the task. Not to get too off track here. Making my daily routines a retreat may be an avenue to Best Self that I should explore because the truth is, and I know it, our Best Self looks different day-to-day. Our Best Self on some days may really be that defeated, couch-loving, pajama-wearing, Netflix-watching Self. Or, accept that today I don’t feel like the best version of myself and disregard the options. And that is okay (for one day).
What is the feeling of Best Self?
Feeling motivated, creative, and inspired regardless of what I get done.
Feeling loved.
Feeling like I am showing up—and that this showing up is enough.
Feeling fear and vulnerability and showing up anyway.
